Remember: This is a toast, not a roast! If you’re handed a microphone at a wedding, your number one priority is to let the newlyweds know how happy you are for them. Avoid an awkward moment by avoiding these topics at all costs:
1. Funny thing is, I actually dated the bride/groom first.
2. You know, the third time they broke up, I never ever thought they’d get back together. Like, ever.
3. I am just so drunk right now! Is anyone else really drunk right now?
4. Kiss your freedom goodbye!
5. Welp, no one ever thought this day would come.
6. Her college boyfriend was cuter.
7. We’ll see how long this lasts.
8. To be honest, everyone thought I would get married first.
9. John’s an investment banker, so I guess we all know why we’re gathered here today. *cue “Gold Digger” by Kanye West*
10. Can someone grab me another gin and tonic?
11. You could’ve at least invited some hot girls here tonight.
12. I mean, in my opinion, the whole idea of marriage seems pretty outdated really.
13. I’m betting she’s pregnant by the end of the year.
14. At my wedding. . .
15. But really, where’s that gin and tonic?
16. I think we all know what’s going to go down on their honeymoon . . .
17. I don’t get it! I mean, he didn’t even pick you the last time we played “Would You Rather?”
18. Well, I guess I owe you 50 bucks now.
19. Did you know that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
20. Let me sing you an original song I’ve been working on . . .